Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the
emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken
away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will
be. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one—which is often
the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause
grief, including:
- Divorce or relationship breakup
- Loss of health
- Losing a job
- Loss of financial stability
- A miscarriage
- Retirement
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- Death of a pet
- Loss of a cherished dream
- A loved one’s serious illness
- Loss of a friendship
- Loss of safety after a trauma
- Selling the family home
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The more significant the loss, the more
intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For
example, you might experience grief after moving away from home,
graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or
retiring from a career you loved.
Everyone grieves differently
Grieving is a personal and highly
individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including
your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith,
and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing
happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and
there is no “normal” timetable for grieving.
Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the
grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience,
it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to
naturally unfold.
Myths and facts about grief
MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to
ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in
the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and
actively deal with it.
MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad,
frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean
you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by
putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and
you.
MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a
normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t
cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have
other ways of showing it.
MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.
Source:
Center for Grief and Healing
Are there stages of grief?
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.”
These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of
patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them
to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of
a loved one or a break-up.
The five stages of grief:
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Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
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Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
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Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
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Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
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Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
If you are experiencing any of these
emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is
natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who grieves
goes through all of these stages—and that’s okay. Contrary to popular
belief,
you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through
any of these stages. And if you
do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them
in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be
feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.
Kübler-Ross herself never intended for
these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who
mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five
stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into
neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but
there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss.
Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”
Grief can be a roller coaster
Instead of a series of stages, we
might also think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of
ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends
to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The
difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes
by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss,
especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a
child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.
Source:
Hospice Foundation of America
Common symptoms of grief
While loss affects people in different
ways, many experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just
remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages
of grief is normal—including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling
like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.
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Shock and disbelief
– Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may
feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even
deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting
him or her to show up, even though you know he or she is gone.
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Sadness –
Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of
grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep
loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
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Guilt – You may
regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may
also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the
person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may
even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if
there was nothing more you could have done.
-
Anger – Even
if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you
lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or
even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to
blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.
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Fear – A
significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel
anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The
death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of
facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face
alone.
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Physical symptoms
– We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief
often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered
immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.
Coping with grief and loss tip 1: Get support
The single most important factor in
healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you
aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal
circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving.
Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever
the support comes from, accept it and
do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.
Finding support after a loss
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Turn to friends and family members
– Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you
take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close,
rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered.
Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what
you need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral
arrangements.
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Draw comfort from your faith
– If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning
rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to
you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If
you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy
member or others in your religious community.
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Join a support group
– Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around.
Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can
help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local
hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
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Talk to a therapist or grief counselor
– If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health
professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced
therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome
obstacles to your grieving.
Coping with grief and loss tip 2: Take care of yourself
When you’re grieving, it’s more important
than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can
quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your
physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult
time.
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Face your feelings.
You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In
order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid
feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process.
Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression,
anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
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Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way.
Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a
letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or
photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or
organization that was important to him or her.
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Look after your physical health.
The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll
also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting
enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs
to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.
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Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either.
Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to
“move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without
embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the
heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments
of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
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Plan ahead for grief “triggers.”
Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and
feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s
completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with
other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and
agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.
Using social media for support
Memorial pages on Facebook and other
social media sites have become popular ways to inform a wide audience of
a loved one’s passing and to reach out for support. As well as allowing
you to impart practical information, such as funeral plans, these pages
allow friends and loved ones to post their own tributes or condolences.
Reading such messages can often provide some comfort for those grieving
the loss.
Of course, posting sensitive content
on social media has its risks as well. Memorial pages are often open to
anyone with a Facebook account. This may encourage people who hardly
knew the deceased to post well-meaning but inappropriate comments or
advice. Worse, memorial pages can also attract internet trolls. There
have been many well-publicized cases of strangers posting cruel or
abusive messages on Facebook memorial pages.
To gain some protection, you can opt
to create a closed group on Facebook rather than a public page, which
means people have to be approved by a group member before they can
access the memorial. It’s also important to remember that while social
media can be a useful tool for reaching out to others, it can’t replace
the face-to-face connection and support you need at this time.
When grief doesn’t go away
It’s normal to feel sad, numb, or angry
following a loss. But as time passes, these emotions should become less
intense as you accept the loss and start to move forward. If you aren’t
feeling better over time, or your grief is getting worse, it may be a
sign that your grief has developed into a more serious problem, such as
complicated grief or major depression.
Complicated grief
The sadness of losing someone you love
never goes away completely, but it shouldn’t remain center stage. If the
pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from
resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as
complicated grief. Complicated
grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have
trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so
preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine
and undermines your other relationships.
Symptoms of complicated grief include:
- Intense longing and yearning for the deceased
- Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one
- Denial of the death or sense of disbelief
- Imagining that your loved one is alive
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- Searching for the person in familiar places
- Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one
- Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss
- Feeling that life is empty or meaningless
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The difference between grief and depression
Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression
isn’t always easy as they share many symptoms, but there are ways to
tell the difference. Remember, grief can be a roller coaster. It
involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even
when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have
moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand,
the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.
Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:
- Intense, pervasive sense of guilt
- Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying
- Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
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- Slow speech and body movements
- Inability to function at work, home, and/or school
- Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there
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Can antidepressants help grief?
As a general rule, normal grief does
not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may relieve
some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the
loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked
through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process.
When to seek professional help for grief
If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right
away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to
significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even
suicide. But treatment can help you get better.
Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:
- Feel like life isn’t worth living
- Wish you had died with your loved one
- Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
- Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
- Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
- Are unable to perform your normal daily activities
Are stress and worry interfering with your ability to cope with grief and loss? The FEELING LOVED book can help you.
Related HelpGuide articles
Resources and references
General information about grief and loss
Life after Loss: Dealing with Grief
– Guide to coping with grief and loss, including normal grief reactions
to expect. (University of Texas Counseling and Mental Health Center)
Death and Grief
– Article for teens on how to cope with grief and loss. Includes tips
for dealing with the pain and taking care of yourself during the
grieving process. (Nemours Foundation)
Death of a loved one
Grief: Coping With Reminders After a Loss – Tips for coping with the grief that can resurface even years after you’ve lost a loved one. (Mayo Clinic)
On Being Alone: A Guide for the Newly Widowed – A comprehensive series of articles on grief and loss offering practical, as well as psychological advice. (AARP)
Support for grief and loss
GriefNet.org
– Online support community for people dealing with grief, death, and
major loss, with over fifty monitored support groups for both kids and
adults. (GriefNet.org)
Compassionate Friends – National, self-help organization for those grieving the loss of a child. Includes a
Chapter Locator and supportive
online brochures on various aspects of grief. (The Compassionate Friends)
Using Facebook to Grieve – Article about using Facebook memorial pages to grieve a loved one. (Coping with Loss and Grief)
Stages of grief
TheKübler-Ross Grief Cycle
– Details each stage as it applies to persons facing death or other
negative life change. Note that the cycle as presented includes seven
stages, including initial shock. (ChangingMinds.org)
What is Grief? – Lays out general stages of grief with tips for helping someone who is grieving. (University of Illinois Counseling Center)
Complicated grief and depression
Major Depression and Complicated Grief
– Lists the warning signs and symptoms that suggest grief has
progressed to major depression or complicated grief. (American Cancer
Society)
Complicated Grief
– Learn the difference between the normal grief reaction and
complicated grief. Includes information about symptoms, risk factors,
and treatment. (Harvard Medical School Family Health Guide)
Grief after suicide
Grief after Suicide
– Understanding your emotions, as well as suicide in general, may ease
your grieving after suicide. (Buddha Dharma Education Association)
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