Stress Relief in the Moment

Using Your Senses to Quickly Change Your Response to Stress

Ever wish a stress superhero could save you from traffic jams, chaotic meetings, or a toddler’s tantrums? Well, you can be your own stress-busting superhero. Everybody has the power to reduce the impact of stress as it’s happening in the moment. With practice, you can learn to spot stressors and stay in control when the pressure builds. Learning quick stress relief won't happen overnight. Like any skill, it takes time, self-exploration and above all, practice. But think of it as an education with a huge payoff.

Learn to recognize stress

Recognizing stress is the first step in lessening its impact. Many of us spend so much time in a stressed state, we have forgotten what it feels like to be fully relaxed and alert. Being stressed out feels normal.
What does it feel like to be calm and stress-free? You can see that “just right” inner balance in the smile of a happy baby—a face so full of joy it reminds adults of the balanced emotional state that most of us have misplaced. In adulthood, being balanced means maintaining a calm state of energy, alertness, and focus. Calmness is more than just feeling relaxed; being alert is an equally important aspect of finding the balance needed to withstand stress.
If you don’t feel calm, alert, productive, and focused most of the time in your daily life, then too much stress may be a problem for you.

Tips for recognizing when you're stressed

Hush the voice that’s telling you, "Oh, I’m fine." Notice how you’re breathing has changed. Are your muscles tense? Awareness of your physical response to stress will help regulate the tension when it occurs.
When you're tired, your eyes feel heavy and you might rest your head on your hand. When you're happy, you laugh easily. And when you are stressed, your body lets you know that too. Try to get in the habit of paying attention to your body's clues.

• Observe your muscles and insides. Are your muscles tight/sore? Is your stomach tight or sore? Are your hands clenched?
• Observe your breath. Is your breath shallow? Place one hand on your belly, the other on your chest. Watch your hands rise and fall with each breath. Notice when you breathe fully or when you "forget" to breathe.

Identify your body's stress response

Internally, we all respond to the “fight-or-flight” stress response the same: blood pressure rises, the heart pumps faster, and muscles constrict. When stressed, our bodies work hard and drain our immune system. Externally, however, people tend to respond to stress in different ways: some become angry and agitated, others space out or withdraw.
The best way to quickly relieve stress may relate to your specific stress response.

How do you act when stressed?

When it comes to managing and reducing stress quickly in the middle of a heated situation, it's important to be familiar with your specific fight-or-flight stress response.

• Overexcited stress response – If you tend to become angry, agitated, or keyed up under stress, you will respond best to stress relief activities that quiet you down.
• Underexcited stress response – If you tend to become depressed, withdrawn, or spaced out under stress, you will respond best to stress relief activities that are stimulating and that energize your nervous system.

The immobilization or “frozen” stress response

Immobilization is associated with people who have experienced trauma and find themselves “stuck”—in a reflexively enraged, panic-stricken or otherwise dysfunctional state—and unable to do anything to move on. Your challenge is to find safety and stimulation to help you “reboot” your system and rouse you from a “frozen” to “fight-or-flight” stress response so you can employ additional stress management techniques. To do this, choose a form of exercise or movement that engages both your arms and legs, such as walking, swimming, running, dancing, climbing, or tai chi. As you move, instead of continuing to focus on your thoughts, focus on your body and the sensations you feel in your limbs. Adding this mindfulness element can help your nervous system become “unstuck” and move on.

The basics of quick stress relief

There are countless techniques for preventing stress. Yoga and mindfulness meditation work wonders for improving coping skills. But who can take a moment to chant or meditate during a job interview or a disagreement with your spouse? For these situations, you need something more immediate and accessible. That’s when quick stress relief comes to the rescue.
The speediest way to stamp out stress is by engaging one or more of your senses—your sense of sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, or movement—to rapidly calm and energize yourself.
The key to practicing quick stress relief is learning what kind of sensory input helps your particular nervous system find calm and focus quickly. Everyone responds to sensory input a little differently, so it’s essential to discover your personal preferences.

Talking to someone who listens attentively: a rapid stress reducer

Social engagement is our most evolved strategy for regulating the nervous system—and putting the brakes on the fight-or-flight stress response. Since the inner ear, face, heart, and stomach are wired together in the brain, talking face-to-face with a relaxed and balanced listener can help quickly calm your nervous system and relieve stress. Although it’s not always realistic to have a pal close by to lean on, building and maintaining a network of close friends is important for your mental health. Between quick stress relief techniques and good listeners, you’ll have your bases covered.

Bring your senses to the rescue

Here comes the fun part. Remember exploring your senses in elementary school? Grownups can take a tip from grade school lessons by revisiting the senses and learning how they can help us prevent stress overload. Use the following exercises to identify the sensory experiences that work quickly and effectively to reduce stress for you.
As you experiment, be as precise as possible. What is the most perfect image, the specific kind of sound, or type of movement that affects you the most? For example, if you’re a music lover, listen to many different artists and types of music until you find the song that instantly lifts and relaxes you.
The examples listed below are intended to be a jumping-off point. It’s up to you to hone in on them and come up with additional things to try.

Sights

If you’re a visual person, try to manage and relieve stress by surrounding yourself with soothing and uplifting images. You can also try closing your eyes and imagining the soothing images. Here are a few visually based activities that may work as quick stress relievers:

• Look at a cherished photo or a favorite memento.
• Bring the outside indoors; buy a plant or some flowers to enliven your space.
• Enjoy the beauty of nature—a garden, the beach, a park, or your own backyard.
• Surround yourself with colors that lift your spirits.
• Close your eyes and picture a situation or place that feels peaceful and rejuvenating.

Sound

Are you sensitive to sounds and noises? Are you a music lover? If so, stress-relieving exercises that focus on your auditory sense may work particularly well. Experiment with the following sounds, noting how quickly your stress levels drop as you listen:

• Sing or hum a favorite tune. Listen to uplifting music.
• Tune in to the soundtrack of nature—crashing waves, the wind rustling the trees, birds singing.
• Buy a small fountain, so you can enjoy the soothing sound of running water in your home or office.
• Hang wind chimes near an open window.

Vocal toning

Vocal toning can be a speedy way to use your breath and voice to relieve stress—even if you can’t sing or consider yourself “tone-deaf.” Try sitting up straight and simply making “mmmm” sounds with your lips together and teeth slightly apart, listening intently. Experiment by changing the pitch and volume until you experience a pleasant vibration in your face and, eventually, your heart and stomach.
Vocal toning can have two interesting effects. Firstly, it can help reduce the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, making it an effective means of stress relief. Try sneaking off to a quiet place to spend a few minutes toning before a meeting with your boss and see how much more relaxed and focused you feel.
Secondly, vocal toning exercises the tiny muscles of the inner ear (the smallest in the body). While this might not seem like a big deal, these muscles help you detect the higher frequencies of human speech that impart emotion and tell you what someone is really trying to say. So not only will you feel more relaxed in that meeting with your boss, you’ll also be better able to understand what he’s trying to communicate.

Smell and scents

If you tend to zone out or freeze when stressed, surround yourself with smells that are energizing and invigorating. If you tend to become overly agitated under stress, look for scents that are comforting and calming.

• Light a scented candle or burn some incense.
• Lie down in sheets scented with lavender.
• Smell the roses—or another type of flower.
• Enjoy the clean, fresh air in the great outdoors.
• Spritz on your favorite perfume or cologne.

Touch

Experiment with your sense of touch, playing with different tactile sensations. Focus on things you can feel that are relaxing and renewing. Use the following suggestions as a jumping-off point:

• Wrap yourself in a warm blanket.
• Pet a dog or cat.
• Hold a comforting object (a stuffed animal, a favorite memento).
• Soak in a hot bath.
• Give yourself a hand or neck massage.
• Wear clothing that feels soft against your skin.

Taste

Slowly savoring a favorite treat can be very relaxing, but mindless eating will only add to your stress and your waistline. The key is to indulge your sense of taste mindfully and in moderation. Eat slowly, focusing on the feel of the food in your mouth and the taste on your tongue:

• Chew a piece of sugarless gum.
• Indulge in a small piece of dark chocolate.
• Sip a steaming cup of coffee or tea or a refreshing cold drink.
• Eat a perfectly ripe piece of fruit.
• Enjoy a healthy, crunchy snack (celery, carrots, or trail mix).

Movement

If you tend to shut down when you’re under stress or have experienced trauma, stress-relieving activities that get you moving may be particularly helpful. Anything that engages the muscles or gets you up and active can work. Here are a few suggestions:

• Run in place or jump up and down.
• Dance around.
• Stretch or roll your head in circles.
• Go for a short walk.
• Squeeze a rubbery stress ball.

The power of imagination

Sensory-rich memories can also quickly reduce stress. After drawing upon your sensory toolbox becomes habit, try simply imagining vivid sensations when stress strikes. Believe it or not, the sheer memory of your baby’s face will have the same calming or energizing effects on your brain as seeing her photo. So if you can recall a strong sensation, you’ll never be without access to quick stress relief tools.

Tips for finding sensory inspiration

Inspiration is everywhere, from sights you see on your way to work to smells and objects around your home. Explore a variety of sensations so that no matter where you are you’ll always have something you can do to relax yourself. Here a few ideas to get you started:

• Memories. Think back to what you did as a child to calm down. If you had a blanket or stuffed toy, you might benefit from tactile stimulation. Try tying a textured scarf around your neck before an appointment or keeping a piece of soft suede in your pocket.
• Watch others. Observing how others deal with stress can give you valuable insight. Baseball players often pop gum in their mouth before going up to bat. Singers often chat up the crowd before performing. Ask around about what people you know do to stay focused under pressure—it could work for you too.
• Parents. Think back to what your parents did to blow off steam. Did your mother feel more relaxed after a long walk? Did your father do yard work after a hard day? Try some of the things they did to unwind; they might work for you too.

Take a break from technology

Taking a short hiatus from the television, computer, and cell phone will give you insight on what your senses respond to best. Here are some "unplugging" tips:

• Try tuning into relaxing music instead of talk radio during your commute. Or try riding in silence for 10 minutes.
• Stuck in a long line at the grocery store? Instead of talking on your cell phone, take a moment to people watch. Pay attention to what you hear and see.
• Instead of checking e-mail while waiting for a meeting to begin, take a few deep breaths, look out the window, or sip some aromatic tea.
• While waiting for an appointment, resist the urge to text and give yourself a hand massage instead.

Make quick stress relief a habit

Let’s get real. It’s not easy to remember to use our senses in the middle of a mini—or not so mini—crisis. At first, it will feel easier to just give into pressure and tense up. The truth is, quick stress relief takes practice, practice, and more practice. But with time, calling upon your senses will become second nature. Here’s how to make it habit:
Learning to use your senses to quickly manage stress is a little like learning to drive or to play golf. You don’t master the skill in one lesson; you have to practice until it becomes second nature. Once you have a variety of sensory tools you can depend on, you’ll be able to handle even the toughest of situations.

• Start small. Instead of testing your quick stress relief tools on a source of major stress, start with a predictable low-level source of stress, like cooking dinner at the end of the day or sitting down to balance your checkbook.
• Identify and target. Think of just one low-level stressor that you know will occur several times a week, such as commuting. Vow to target that particular stressor with quick stress relief every time. After a few weeks, target a second stressor. After a few weeks more, target a third stressor and so on.
• Test-drive sensory input. Experiment with as much sensory input as possible. If you are practicing quick stress relief on your commute to work, bring a scented handkerchief with you one day, try music another day, and try a movement the next day.
• Make “have fun” your motto. If something doesn’t work, don’t force it. Move on until you find your best fit.
• Talk about it. Verbalizing your quick stress relief work will help integrate it into your life. It’s bound to start a fascinating conversation—everyone relates to the topic of stress.

Quick acting stress-busting tips

The best part of quick stress relief is the awareness that you have control over your surroundings. Even if you share a work area, you can personalize your space to serve as a “stress prevention zone” or to put quick stress relief within arm's reach. We all have our stress hotspots. Where are yours?

Quick stress relief at home

• Entertaining. Prevent pre-party jitters by playing lively music. Light candles. The flicker and scent will stimulate your senses. Wear clothes that make you feel relaxed and confident instead of stiff and uncomfortable.
• Kitchen. Cool the kitchen commotion by breathing in the scent of every ingredient you use—even if you’re just opening cans. Delight in the delicate texture of an eggshell. Appreciate the weight of an onion.
• Children and relationships. Prevent losing your cool during a spousal spat by breathing and squeezing the tips of your thumb and forefinger together. When your toddler has a tantrum, rub lotion into your hands then breathe in the scent.
• Sleep. Too stressed to snooze? Try using a white noise machine for background sound or a humidifier with a diffuser for a light scent in the air.
• Creating a sanctuary. If clutter is upsetting, spend 10 minutes each day to tidy and organize. Paint the walls with a fresh coat of your favorite calming color. Display photos and images that make you feel happy. Throw open the curtains and let in natural light whenever possible.

Quick stress relief at work

• Meetings. During stressful sessions, stay connected to your breath. Massage the tips of your fingers. Wiggle your toes. Sip coffee.
• On the phone. Inhale something energizing, like lemon, ginger, peppermint or coffee beans. While talking, stand up or pace back and forth to burn off excess energy. Conduct phone business outside when possible.
• On the computer. Work standing up. Do knee-bends in 10-minute intervals. Wrap a soft scarf around your neck. Suck on a peppermint.
• Lunch breaks. Take a walk around the block or in the parking lot. Listen to soothing music while eating. Have a quick chat with someone you love.
• Your workspace. Place family photos on your desk and display images and mementos that remind you of your life outside the office.

More help for stress relief

Are poor relationships interfering with your ability to manage stress? FEELING LOVED can help.LEARN MORE »

• Stress Symptoms, Signs, and Causes: Understanding Stress Responses and Reducing the Harmful Effects
• Relaxation Techniques for Stress: Finding the Relaxation Exercises That Work for You
• Stress Management: How to Reduce, Prevent, and Cope with Stress
• Preventing Burnout: Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Coping Strategies
• Stress at Work: Tips to Reduce and Manage Job and Work
• How to Stop Worrying: Self-Help Strategies for Anxiety Relief

Did this article help you? Please make a donation that will help someone else who is dealing with this problem. LEARN MORE »

Resources and references

General information about managing and coping with stress

Managing Stress: A Guide for College Students – Offers a total wellness lifestyle plan for managing, reducing, and coping with stress. (University Health Center, University of Georgia)
Stress Management: How Do You React During Stressful Situations? – Evaluate the way you react to stress and learn how to transform your negative responses. (Mayo Clinic)
The Road to Resilience – Learn how to increase your resilience, the trait that allows you to bounce back from adversity and stress. (American Psychological Association)
Managing Stress for a Healthy Family – Tips for dealing with stress in the family better and modeling healthy behavior to your kids. (American Psychological Association)

Stress management strategies

Assert Yourself – Self-help modules designed to help you reduce stress, depression, and anxiety by improving your assertiveness. (Centre for Clinical Interventions)
Put Off Procrastinating – Work your way through a self-help series on how to stop procrastination problems. (Centre for Clinical Interventions)
Stress – Learn all about stress, including stress reduction suggestions, including diet, exercise, herbal remedies, and cognitive-behavioral techniques. (University of Maryland Medical Center)
Download Meditations – Download or stream a dozen free meditation recordings to help you cope with life's inevitable hurdles. Comes with handouts. (Sitting Together)
Exercise Fuels the Brain's Stress Buffers – Explains how regular exercise helps reduce and manage stress levels. (American Psychological Association)

What other readers are saying

“Your guide to stress relief is outstanding . . . I’ve read newspaper, magazine, and online articles, pamphlets, trusted scholarly journals, and books…no advice has been as to the point and helpful as yours. Thank you, for suggesting realistic solutions that can cross-relate with anything and anyone.” ~ Kansas

Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Melinda Smith, M.A., and Lawrence Robinson. Last updated: February 2016.

Mental health had never been talked about with me and I had no idea what was happening to me

I used to wake up every morning and wonder if there was any point in getting out of bed and starting the day I had ahead of me. I avoided social situations and had self-image issues. I was scared of everything and didn't want to live life anymore. I had these feelings for a long time, years in fact but it wasn't until May 4, 2009 that I realised how wrong something was. Unfortunately, this was the same day I wanted it all to end. If it hadn't been for my dad, I wouldn't be writing this right now.
After this, I knew I needed help, but how? Where? Who could help me and more importantly who would want to? Mental health had never been talked about with me and I had no idea what was happening to me. I was only 16 and I was confused. It felt as though there was a big wall between me and any possibility of a future or any hope. It wasn't until I started seeing someone at the local Child and Youth Mental Health Service (CYMHS) that I even knew what was wrong with me. It was then that I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
Getting the diagnosis was hard. Really hard. I mean there is so much stigma surrounding mental health and I didn't have a lot of friends as it was let alone with the label of "mental nutcase". I was really worried about how it would affect my life and, in particular, my relationship with my boyfriend at the time. In a lot of ways I was right to be worried. The few friends I had left, people at school ignored me, my boyfriend told me I was too stressful for him and left, and even my family didn't quite know how to deal with it.
Adding to this stress, the first few treatments I received did very little to help. I went to a psychologist with whom I just talked and in all honesty, I left feeling worse than I did when I arrived. I finally found something that worked. I had weekly sessions with the CYMHS working through my problems as part of an acceptance and commitment therapy program based around creative expression and guess what, it worked.
Now, I still have my days, anyone who knows me can tell you that and yeah, it is hard and I struggle every day but I know how to cope with my problems now. I surround myself with friends who love me and support me and I make sure I avoid my triggers. But the most important thing is that there is always hope. There is always someone out there who knows what you are going through and there is always someone who can and wants to help you. What I never realised but I want you to realise is that you are worth it. You are not a waste of oxygen. You are worth it.

Source: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/personal-stories/story/amanda

The stress 'epidemic' at work

Stress at work is spiralling out of control, with many employees in danger of completely burning out, it was claimed yesterday.
A survey warned that one in four of those in professions such as teaching, social work and the police are suffering from serious stress. In other occupations up to 15 per cent of staff have problems.
'People who need workplace counselling show signs of psychological distress equivalent to that found in out-patient psychiatric hospitals,' said Professor John McLeod of Abertay University, Dundee.
He said the culture which gives employees and bosses the longest working hours in Europe must change or Britain will 'break down'.
His study of 10,000 workers found that those in the private sector are suffering from the requirement to deliver higher and higher productivity per person.
In the public sector - particularly in the NHS - staff are being asked to take on more responsibility with fewer resources.
Professor McLeod said: 'This is not just a minor worry any more. It can be a serious crisis in people's lives.'
He said the problem was no longer confined to management and now affected office workers and manual workers.
Undiagnosed anxiety conditions now cause more absences from work than traditional complaints such as backache, hangovers and stomach trouble.
His report, for the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, claims counselling can reduce the incidence of office-related stress by half. Countering stress boosts performance and cuts the number of sick days taken.
Professor McLeod warned that workplace anxiety will not go away unless Britain learns how to offer help to staff. But he said the British 'stiff upper lip' attitude often prevents people admitting how awful their workplace is.
Psychologist Dr Michael Reddy, of the counselling firm ICAS, added: 'Over stress is a time bomb ticking away in the basement of UK plc. It is not just a question of shopfloor versus management as the TUC suggests.
'In this cost and corner-cutting culture we are all in the firing line.'
Business groups, however, were not convinced by the report.
Ruth Lea, of the Institute of Directors, said: 'People should really get things in perspective. I do get irritated by this. Most people are comfortable at work and often stress is just part and parcel of a job.
'There may be people who are too stressed but this can be addressed. It is usually a sign of bad management which can be changed.'
Union leaders claim work-related stress is a serious issue which could soon be regarded as deadly as cancer and heart disease.
A record 516 new cases were dealt with in 1999, up a quarter on the year before.
Last year Janice Howell, a primary school teacher who claimed stress drove her to two nervous breakdowns, was awarded £250,000.
Mrs Howell's union, the NAS/UWT, revealed it has at least 120 similar cases pending, with claims that could run into millions.

Source:DARREN BEHAR, Daily Mail

How to deal with stress through mindfulness.

Modern life is stressful. From frantic careers to financial worries, caring for children to making time for your spouse, sometimes it can all seem like too much, even for the calmest of us.

It’s little wonder, then, that we’re more highly-strung than ever before. Recent research found that one in five women confesses to feeling anxious most or all of the time. And some 53 million prescriptions for anti-depressants were issued in the last year alone. So can the only way to truly conquer stress be through a bottle of pills?

Thankfully not. Starting today, the Mail introduces an unmissable series which will teach you easy tricks to beat anxiety in every area of your life, and show how you can easily master the new stress-busting technique everyone is talking about: mindfulness.

Today, we tackle one of the key sources of stress in all our lives — marriage and relationships . . .

WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?
Stressed-out MPs and City bankers have embraced it. Hollywood stars swear by it. Big corporations such as Google and Procter & Gamble teach it to their staff. Schools are developing ways to teach it to children. And it’s even recommended by the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence — the health service watchdog — as a preferred NHS treatment for depression.
Medics say that practising mindfulness can considerably lower your stress levels, mean that you see your doctor less often and spend fewer days in hospital. Not only this, but devotees insist that your memory improves, and your creativity increases.

And best of all, mindfulness is easy to learn and can even be done on the go.

While it has its roots in Buddhist meditation, it certainly doesn’t involve sitting cross-legged or chanting ‘om’. It is, quite simply, the act of trying to be properly ‘aware’ of what you are doing at any given time.

So instead of chatting while texting, or reading emails while simultaneously planning what you’re going to cook for dinner, you can use mindfulness to help your brain to slow down and clear everything from your mind. 

With the help of mindfulness, you can give your full attention to what you are doing, and develop a sense of peace and contentment.

While it’s normal for the mind to wander, according to psychotherapist Padraig O’Morain, author of new book Mindfulness On The Go, our hectic brains can also cause unnecessary anguish.

‘When your mind wanders, you can fall into brooding about the past, which can lead to depression, or into recycling worries about the future, which can elevate anxiety,’ he says.

Practising mindfulness, even for a few seconds, gives your brain a little respite, a moment of focus, before it gets pulled away into the clutter of the real world.

The aim of practising mindfulness is to become more aware of your feelings without getting tangled up in them. Then, instead of being overwhelmed by your thoughts, you can manage them better.

Many mindfulness teachers encourage you to set aside ten or even 20 minutes each day for a proper mindfulness session to ground you. However, Padraig O’Morain is convinced we can all reap its many benefits by simply sprinkling short and simple exercises throughout our day. 

There’s no need to sit in a darkened room, or peel yourself away from a frantic schedule. Mindfulness can be performed in the middle of a conversation, during a meeting, while showering or brushing your teeth. And best of all, no one needs to know.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?
The way to start is to use a simple breathing technique to focus your attention and clear your mind. Known as 7/11 breathing, it’s so easy you can do it anywhere — on the bus, walking to work, at your desk or even in bed.

All you have to do is count to seven as you breathe in, then count to 11 as you breathe out. Making each ‘out’ breath last longer than the ‘in’ breath is a natural way of making the body relax, and the simple act of counting will take your mind away from all its other distractions.

As you breathe and count, your buzzing brain will be forced to slow down. It will momentarily stop pinging forwards into the future, or back into the past, running through pointless regrets or never-ending to-do lists.

This gives your brain the space it so sorely needs to relax, which will help you to function more effectively in the rest of your life.

At first, it may not be easy to last to the full count of 11 on the ‘out’ breath — but you will improve over time. Don’t force things, or you’ll end up gasping for air. Just breathe steadily and easily at a pace that suits you. You can do this once or for five minutes consistently — however long it takes you.

HOW CAN IT HELP  MY MARRIAGE?
There is huge potential for stress in even the most idyllic relationship. Whether it’s one of you leaving the loo seat up or over-spending on a credit card, relationship stress can so easily build, triggering arguments and tension. But mindfulness can stop those tensions getting out of hand.
Before you raise a difficult issue with your spouse , or if you can sense a row is brewing, take time out to do your 7/11 breathing first.

According to Padraig O’Morain, practising mindfulness can give you the presence of mind to avoid rising to the bait or flying off the handle. And it can empower you with the strength and focus to be firm and clear about getting your needs across without being aggressive.

Scientific studies show mindfulness can strengthen our control over our emotions, making us less likely to be hijacked by our feelings and less reactive to emotional triggers. This means mindfulness can help you take a balanced view when you’re stressed — a definite plus in navigating a marital showdown.

THE MINDFUL PAUSE

This couldn’t be more simple. If a row catches you unawares, or a tricky conversation starts to spin out of control, just stop whatever you are doing or thinking for the split second it takes to inhale . . . and exhale. It’s rather like a micro-version of 7/11 breathing.

That tiny pause gives your brain the chance to think: ‘I need to say this’, or: ‘I had best not say that’. It gives you a second or two to see that you have more than one choice and to make the choice that is most likely to work. It gives you enough time to work out whether your partner really is criticising you or not, stopping you from reacting impulsively to what might be a non-existent attack.

MINDFUL COMMUNICATION
The foundation of successful communication for any couple is being able to truly listen to each other, without constructing a counter-argument in your head or indulging in ‘catastrophising’ — assuming the crisis is worse than it really is.

The essential mindful technique here is to ground yourself firmly in the present moment. Again, it’s very easy. Focus on one physical thing — be it the feeling of your feet on the floor, or your bottom on a chair. Breathe deeply. If they’re in the room, ask your partner to give you a moment to prepare in this way. 

Then, once you’re ready, try these simple tips:

• Switch off all distractions and look directly at your spouse’s face and eyes when they are speaking and lean forwards towards them slightly (the body language of the attentive listener).
•   Make a point of listening to the entire conversation. This sounds easy enough, but most of us are too busy formulating our reply before the other person has stopped speaking.
•  When they finish speaking, summarise and paraphrase what your spouse said so they know you are listening.

ACCEPT YOUR DIFFERENCES

Marriage researchers say most of the long-term differences between partners are never resolved. Fighting over familiar issues can be a complete waste of time.

Your spouse may say something to you which is simply not worth the effort of arguing with. Now and then, you need to be able to shrug off their negative opinion of you, like a dog shaking off water. 

MOVE ON

If something hurtful happens (one of you criticises the other at a party or you have a blazing row) it is very tempting to repeat the scenario to yourself in your head, over and over again. But doing this will always amplify the distress and keep any feelings of resentment alive. Instead, acknowledge the hurt, and become aware of your feelings without getting caught up in them.

Think: ‘Yes, it is painful.’ Then you MUST move on. Whenever the memory flashes in to your mind think: ‘Oh yes, there it is. Noted.’ Briefly feel the hurt, then move on. 

Think about your breathing or your posture, anything to distract yourself. You may still harbour resentment, but the important thing is to get to a point where you don’t obsess about it.

TACKLE YOUR FLASH POINTS

FLASH POINT: One partner putting more effort into the relationship, home or family than the other.

TIP: Many men see their role as bringing home the bacon and their wife’s role as being everything else, even if she also has a full-time job. But division of labour should be an agreement based on what’s most important to each partner. 

Psychologist Professor Jane Ogden recommends ‘teddy talk’ to discuss your roles. This counselling exercise requires you to sit opposite each other with a teddy. The person holding the teddy is allowed to speak without interruption. Vitally, they can only use the word ‘I’, not ‘you’, which is too accusatory. The word ‘never’ is also forbidden, as is the phrase ‘you always’. 

This act of re-phrasing forces you to think about what you are saying and the way you are delivering it.

FLASH POINT: Your relationship feels dull.

TIP: ‘Mid-life malaise’ can be a real source of stress for many couples. Susanna Abse, a psychoanalytical therapist, and chief executive of the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, stresses the importance of recognising the limitations of a long-term relationship if you really want it to last.

‘You may have to face giving up the longings you might have had for a different kind of partner, or a different kind of life,’ she says, ‘Although you might mourn that loss, it is important to focus instead on what you have now.’ She suggests sitting down to write a list of the positives about your partner and share the lists with each other. You might just be pleasantly surprised.

FLASH POINT: They’re not making an effort to look attractive for you.

TIP: This can happen as a relationship progresses, and before you know it, you only see them in the morning when they’re wearing their pyjamas or the evening when they’ve changed into comfy clothes after work. It can seem only other people see them looking at their best.

This may be a sign that things in the relationship are stagnating and can be a major cause of stress according to Neil Shah, Director of the Stress Management Society. Try introducing a weekly ‘date-night’ with certain rules — such as getting your hair done, being clean-shaven and surprising your partner by presenting yourself differently.

FLASH POINT: One of you is a lark, the other’s an owl.

TIP: Whether you keep different body clocks or keep each other awake with snoring or excessive fidgeting, relationship counsellor Francine Kaye recommends considering separate beds. ‘Unzip your divan beds — just a few centimetres of separation can improve sleep and ease stress considerably,’ she says. 

If your bed doesn’t split, she suggests scheduling two nights a week when you sleep in separate rooms. ‘It’s not the slippery slope of relationship decline that many people fear,’ she says. 

‘It can be quite the contrary. A couple of nights good sleep can refresh and reinvigorate even the most stagnant relationship. And if it does make you feel guilty try scheduling extra sex to compensate.’

TIPS TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND STRESS LESS

Relationship problems can cause a man to become stressed, frustrated or even aggressive. According to The Stress Management Society, a natural male tendency is to withdraw. This destroys any chance of true intimacy. So:

• If you spot the glazed look of a man so stressed he can no longer focus mentally, give him time to retreat into his ‘man cave’ — a physical space that’s just his — so he can process the issues without nagging.
• Don’t speak to him in ‘bloke’ language (for example, ‘Why the hell are you acting like this?’) if you want a warm, nurturing response. Most men are programmed to try to make you happy and just want to please you. Instead, try warm, feminine language (‘It makes me unhappy when you do this, I’m so much happier when you do that’).
•   If you need something from him, tell him exactly what you need. Don’t expect him to read your mind. If necessary give him a list. 
• Accept that men will deal with stress and solve problems differently to you, even if you don’t like or understand their ways.

TIPS TO HELP YOUR  WIFE STRESS LESS
Women may seem complex, yet they are often just looking for their core needs — to feel secure and cherished — to be met. So:

• Be fearless and ensure you are seen as the one in control of a situation.
• Never be afraid to ask: ‘Is there anything I need to do for you?’
• Be succinct and confident when you talk, and use a deep voice. 
• If you think she might be upset or worried, ask her how she is feeling. Avoid making assumptions about what’s causing her problem — assuming you know what she’s feeling is a sure way to rile most women —and listen carefully to her answer.

DESTRESS YOUR  SEX LIFE
One of the most obvious causes of stress in a relationship is a failing sex life. But surprisingly, says sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox, it can actually be a sign that the foundations are good.

She says:  ‘Very often, the better your relationship, the worse your sex life because after many years, a really strong bond can become rather sibling-like.’ 

The secret to shaking things up, she says, is to push yourselves out of your comfort zone — ‘be a bit naughty!’ — and have the courage to face up to potential sexual flash points.

FLASH POINT: Your lover’s sex drive is significantly higher/lower than your own.

TIP: According to Nick Achilleos, the director at The Stress Management Society, a mismatched sex drive can be a clear indication that your relationship could be generally out of balance. The solution doesn’t necessarily lie in finding some kind of sexual harmony. 

‘You’d be better off trying first to connect with each other in different ways beyond the physical act of sex,’ says Nick. It could be giving each other massages — or even just spend time cuddling and kissing.

FLASH POINT: You/your partner suffers from erectile dysfunction. 

TIP: As we get more stressed, our body starts to cut non-essential bodily function (including sexual function). Oxygenated blood is diverted to the major muscle groups and not to the sexual organs which can lead to erectile dysfunction. 

So instead of putting in a bulk order for Viagra, concentrate on taking time out to relax. This can be a better boost to bedroom behaviour than any form of medication.

Source:  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2637949/How-beat-STRESS-Its-modern-epidemic-wrecks-lives-relationships-This-major-series-shows-conquer-stress-using-mindfulness-new-calming-technique-EVERYONE-talking-about.html

You Can’t Fight Depression Alone

Two things happened today that made me want to pound my head against a wall, Charlie Brown-style.
The first was that I got an email from a woman who said that she is suffering from severe depression, but that friends and family want her to try to “talk herself out of it”, and not get involved with medication and therapy.

Now, it is not unusual for me to get an email from someone who either (1) feels they should be able to handle their own depression without treatment (2) feels that someone close to them should be able to handle their depression on their own, or (3) is being talked out of seeking treatment by family or friends. These emails never fail to raise my blood pressure a few notches.
The stress from this communication was doubled when the second thing happened, which is that I went to the Psychology/Self-help section at my local bookstore. It seems to be the largest section in the store.
As I looked for legitimate books on depression and its treatment, I couldn’t help but see all the “help yourself” titles in that section, as well as what I call the “Thank God I’m here to tell you what to do, you pathetic loser” books. Dr. Laura Schlessinger was telling me that I do 10 stupid things to mess up my life (only 10, Dr. Laura?), John Roger and Peter McWilliams were telling me that I couldn’t afford the luxury of a negative thought (gee, and I was having so much fun spoiling myself with those negative thoughts), countless others were telling me that if I just bought their book and put some effort into it, I could be happier, sexier, smarter, successful and more fulfilled.
When it came to depression, there was no shortage of advice. Apparently I can embrace depression, use it as a tool for self-discovery, and run it off (at the same time I’m running off those belgian waffles, I guess – how handy). By this time I was way past pounding my head against a wall, and into the Yosemite Sam stage, in which I want to jump up and down and swear uncontrollably.
Let me pause for a moment to explain exactly what I mean when I talk about depression. I’m not referring to the normal down periods that everyone goes through once in a while, that can be brought on by a rainy day, a broken heart, the flu or even for no particular reason. We mope around, listen to sad music and feel sorry for ourselves.
These moods go away within a couple of days, and we can enjoy life again.

Clinical depression is much more than that, and is comparable to a down mood as much as a sneeze is comparable to pneumonia. It is an illness that affects a person in many different ways. It can affect appetite, sleep patterns, powers of concentration, and even slow down movement and speech. While the predominant feeling depression brings is often sadness or a blue mood, it can also be a numb, empty feeling, anxiety, hopelessness, loss of self-esteem or self-worth, inability to make decisions or a combination of these. Unlike a passing mood, clinical depression dominates a person’s life and brings it to a screeching halt.
Back in the bookstore, I was relieved to see that there are also many books that address depression in a responsible manner, explaining that it is an illness and encouraging the sufferer to seek treatment from a physician. It seems, however, that too often the influence of these books and other educational material about depression is drowned out by the belief that depression is simply a down mood or negative attitude that any self-respecting person should be able to overcome.
I read recently of a study in which 75 percent of adults said that someone with depression could get better just by being more positive.
Can you imagine the same 75 percent saying that someone who is paralyzed just needs to work out more, or that someone who is mentally retarded just needs to think “power thoughts”?
This attitude is dangerous for a couple of reasons. First, the number one cause of suicide is untreated depression. Why don’t people get treatment for depression? Probably because they are being told by society, well-meaning family and friends and their own misconceptions of mental illness that depression is just a mood that they should be able to control. They believe that a life-threatening illness can be managed by happy talk and an upbeat demeanor. I know what I’m talking about. I tried for years to defeat my (undiagnosed) depression by thinking of reasons I was lucky and telling myself that that cold empty feeling had no cause and therefore didn’t have any validity. It’s like trying to treat diabetes by skipping dessert. It doesn’t work, and it’s dangerous to your health.
The second reason this “talk yourself out of it” attitude is dangerous is that depression can be caused by an undiagnosed illness such as heart disease, thyroid dysfunction, cancer, infectious diseases and immune/autoimmune disorders. Depression can even be brought on by vitamin or mineral deficiencies or prescription and over-the-counter drugs. If you don’t treat depression as an illness and get yourself checked out by a physician or psychiatrist, you run the risk of leaving a serious illness undiagnosed.
If you are experiencing any of the symptoms of depression, make an appointment to see a doctor. If you know someone who seems to be showing the symptoms, encourage him or her to see a doctor. Don’t believe the myth that we can “handle” depression on our own.

Source:  This article was found in an Internet archive; the original author is unknown at this time.