So just to start, I'm generally a fairly happy person, or at least try
to be. I'm a full time college student and have a handful of good
friends. Almost everyone I really know thinks of me as someone with a
lot of confidence and a positive attitude. They see me as very strong
and together, but I don't really feel that way about myself. Though I
try, in a lot of ways I'm just very terrified of everything. I always
feel like I'm going to be rejected.. like I'm never going to be
successful at the things I really want in life.. like a career or a
relationship.
Even though I'm good at hiding it, I'm often very nervous when talking
to people I'm unfamiliar with. Half of the time I don't even know what
to say and just feel awkward. I can do one on ones.. but talking in
front of a group or something, even just to introduce myself is
terrifying. It's like I'm constantly nervous or worried.. and it's been
getting worse. I feel like I'm always going to say or do something
stupid..
On top of that, I have all these things I want to do in life.. all this
passion.. I love art and creating things, and writing.. but have
absolutely no self confidence about any of it even when my work is
praised. For instance.. last quarter our class had to write and send an
article to the editor of our newspaper. I wrote something on a current
political issue that was going on at the time, and it was the only one
to be published. I honestly thought it sucked and was embarrassed to
even send it in. That's just an example, but I'm ALWAYS very harsh on
myself to the point where I almost see no reason to proceed with the
things I'm supposedly good at.
I have good days and bad days.. but sometimes my motivation level is so
low and I feel so empty that I'd like to just isolate myself from
everyone and everything. I don't know if I have a mental illness or
something.. but I wanted to get someones take on this...
I grew up in a very bad household with an abusive drunken father who
beat my mother in front of me for the first 6 or 7 years of my life. and
then grew up with an alcoholic and completely unstable mother who
blamed me for all of her problems. On top of it I'm physically
"disabled".. so that doesn't exactly help matters. I can't help but
wonder if that has a lot to do with my issues..
These days I just feel lonely most of the time.. yet in some ways I
almost feel like that's the way I prefer to be, if that makes sense at
all.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I described my feelings well enough or not. I
guess if I had to break it down into a few sentences.. it feels like I
always have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I almost
never feel comfortable in my surroundings.. almost like a paranoia.. and
it makes it so I feel like I can never really be happy.
Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20140206000640AAuyzaI
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